• Trina

The Good, Bad and the Ugly

First of all, hello! I'm back again. I want to start off by saying a trigger warning of depressive language, binge eating, talk of relapses and episodes. This post is going to be a bit frank - it’s gonna talk about things I used to be ashamed of speaking about, and thinking all this will sound too weird. However, this be real life and I hope this can reinforce the point of you don't know what anyone is going through.

I had a question poll on my Instagram page (trina.talks, go check it out!) about what posts people wanted me to discuss and I had one asking about what a good and bad day means for me, hence the title is the good, the bad and the ugly. As life and this year has progressed, I have experienced all three of these things, and I am sure many others have too. When talking about my emotions and thoughts, it can be very hard, particularly when you have no gage of understanding hat you are really feeling. There is rumination, confusion and sporadic changes to emotions that can really affect your day to day routines. Whilst there are honestly many ways that this can occur, I think for this post not to be too heavy to read, I am only going to type about three.

One way this can happen is for those who suffer from relapse or really bad episodes from their triggers can become recluse and mute. This may happen because for some, it can be better to be quiet and process this alone, or because their heads and mind can become such a fog of many traumas and difficulties, that they may not fully grasp their emotion, let alone be in a space to discuss this. Where in society, it can be hard to open up, particularly of dark intrusive thoughts that can be experienced, there is a lot of fear of discussing this out loud, because it then becomes real and scary to think of a loved one's reaction of what they are sharing. For many of us, it seems easier to solve this or ride through the bad days, as it can feel like there is no one who can help.

Secondly, the bad days can consist of many days trying to talk yourself out from acting on triggers and heavy emotions that can occur in that moment, which I am sure you can imagine what those can consist of. In a world where certain media can be accessed easily, self doubt is a thaw in many roses and the voices of sabotage and failure screams loudest in the dark skies, thoughts and emotions are so intrusive, that you will believe whatever your subconscious tells you. For some just getting through 24 hours can be a big mountain to climb - it happens. Being very low and desolate, can mean not feeling anything. all thoughts are numb and you feel that no action can take place to have that moment of peace, that glimmer of sparkle or just a good day because that bad clouds over that much. In contrast, there can be feelings of anger, frustration and distant behaviour. Conversations can be hard to focus on, to follow, and at times due to having many things to worry about, that's when the anger can show. The emotional space you have suddenly seems closed trapped and all you can feel is bare with many reasons being the cause of it. Humans are complex beings and we face so much in five minutes at times, let alone one day.

Additionally, in long depressive/manic/dissociative/anxious episodes, routines are turned upside down and it can be hard to do what a lot could consider "standard activities". For example, showering, brushing teeth, changing clothes are literally milestones when facing a relapse. The best way to describe it is "the hand is heavy and the bloodstreams to all over to try and function, but there is too much to go around". I certainly have had times were I honestly have only bathed once on the space on ten days, and can binge eat and be in my room for a long period of time. Quite frankly, because our bodies can get used to this, there are still periods where this can happen - there's a day where things feel messy, which protrudes to the different parts of our lives but to tidy it all induces panic by not being able to separate it all and work on it bit by bit.

Moreover, it can be hard for those in these situations and those witnessing it to process it all, especially if these things happen all at once. In a show called My Mad Fat Diary, the character Rae who suffered with mental health issues, when feeling overwhelmed and stressed, this as illustrated as scribbles being drawn in a disorderly matter, That is how the brain can work for those going through this, and to erase this can take some time and different methods to do. I hope those reading this can know that a problem shared can mean some of the problems can be solved - there are tangible aspects and the intangible where you may feel more comfortable in digesting and picking apart yourself, when the time permits you do. Furthermore, this can lead to what the good days can entail: subjective to many. This is because self care can be done with active self care such as manicures, gym sessions, shopping, coffee, days out alone, museums and catching up with a friend. Also, there is those who discuss this in therapy, talk about their concerns with health authorities like the GP, with a friend or family member. There is also those who can identify their behaviours leading to a relapse to manage these symptoms and emotions and those who cannot and need to find their own path to walk on to a clearer road. Finally, people journal, take time for themselves, distance from things that cause them discomfort, or trying to implement a better nights sleep and routine, and so much more.

What I can say that the good, bad and ugly can centre around relationships with others and ourselves. Sometimes, what we are feeling and trying to process can rove difficult, because loved ones may not understand or those not able to understand comforting and less language that makes those affected with a flare up of their mental health rather feel attacked then spoken to, and invasive questions can cause rifts in relationships, therefore driving the individual to attack themselves, because we can be our own self critics. So to close, I want those who are struggling to allow themselves to feel, to reach out or reach out to happiness - you do deserve it, no matter what you may think. Particularly in this time for those who live in the U.K, everyone can feel shit, so lets keep that in mind and know that there are people thinking of you, and hoping you are going to make it. In all honesty, at this point, we are all jut trying to find our spring day, so I hope we all find the glow ups in whatever it is you want to achieve (and it can be anything YOU want it to be), your path is for you to be happy walking in it.

With an abundance of love in these times,

Trina x

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