• Trina

Self Harm

Before I start discussing this topic, I do want to say if this subject is triggering and distressing, please don’t read until you’re in a good space of mind to. However I will not put too much detail in this post for those who are reading it as it is a complex topic to discuss at this time on my own personal journey. So self harm is an issue that has been the biggest tug of war in my coming of age years. I do also think that many of us have experienced or been through a sense of self harm too. It is hard because a lot of the time, it occurs in years when you’re already finding your sense of self, belonging and ”purpose” (a term I also think is slightly problematic too but that’s for another post). I myself have been someone who has physically self harmed since the age of 15, and it had been progressively worse because it ended being a source of comfort for me to the point i would self harm at school. For me, the physical self harm was something I deserved to do because of my feelings of shame, disappointment or just feeling trapped that the only thing I knew to do was that.

However, that was not the only form of self harm that I think was damaging to me at the time. This is because I’ve come to think self harm also as sabotage, because it affects us and who we want to be and are capable to be. Following my time in therapy and self reflection and other situations, negative talk, blocking yourself from receiving blessings, thinking you’re not good enough, putting yourself down more on a regular basis, believing negative things that are spoken to you and so much more are examples of self harm. Whilst it may be weird to call it self harm, I’ve realised to hurt yourself further emotionally and as an individual that is trying to grow is bad because of the following things:

  1. It actually blocks you from the perception of yourself

  2. You can't truly be as much help to others around you and yourself

  3. It allows your self saboteur to really come and seek havoc

  4. All the moments where you have shined are overshadowed by how you are seeing yourself and life

Now, I can very much understand that we don’t have to offload about every detail of our lives, nor should we have to, but perception is something incredible that we should note to have. Perception can mean looking at what is going on, but perception that can help rewire your thoughts. It certainly takes practice and it’s something that you may have to fake it until you make it, but also don’t see it as you HAVE to be grateful and you CANT ever feel otherwise. These emotions and feelings are warranted because they happen to you in that present moment, it can be a release, a relapse, a sense of disassociation, truama based or just facing the cycle of healing again.

I hope we can all heal from self harm because there is a pot of gold somewhere with our names on it. It is really hard and especially with these coming autumn months where things can be particularly hard with our mental health, I want to say

a) we do not have to listen to rise and grind Twitter

b) it is okay to take a pause whenever it is needed

c) when you’re in that state of sabotage, restlessness and agitation, what will make you calm in this moment? What will help ground your feelings and make you see that hurting yourself will hurt your reflection because you don’t deserve to that to yourself?

I hope whoever reads this sees that there is someone who gets how you may think or feel because they have been there. We are all learning and processing and go through and pick ourselves up in ways that no one may know about. Please keep doing it. Trina is rooting for you and those scars, emotionally, physically, psychologically will keep on churning and churning into new feelings and reflections of yourself that hopefully one day can release you from your past. You are not your past self, yes you may make mistakes but you are the same you as you are, just growing and doing better, being better. I hope you can learn that one day, I am too and to reach it isn’t impossible... we deserve it.

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