I wish the title was a joke, but therapy has been teaching me that it's all mad in the brain cells. The way stand are losing brain cells on Twitter discourse, I feel like I have been losing brain cells on normality. I have dealt with debilitating mental illness and as much as I understand it better, shit I am TIYAD.
I am healing but finding myself telling myself that every little thing that I do relates to something of my madness. Struggling to say no, talking about my weekend, someone's text tone being a bit different, a stranger looking at me, having panic attacks at work and crying before leaving my house. It was always weird how the "simplest" things felt so traumatising for me to get up do things, but albeit I eventually get there... eventually. Although I have been on somewhat a journey, I never understood what the heck was going on with me and would describe myself as more of a mess than Eton. What I can say is that it has been damaging to see myself as just Trauma Trina, partly due to the society's views, my life and the relapses I have faced.
Trauma Trina has been scared to live, looked back on regret and psychoanalysed me brushing my teeth at 12pm and struggled with my relationships. Since having my sessions, to realise that I can move on and be different, live life and be more assertive, there has been a weird tingle in my body on what that could include. I have struggled seeing myself outside of how I present now because there has been a comfort in my brain not resting due to the fucks ups that have happened. It's like I want to live, but I feel numb to everything at this point, so I am just floating - in other words, whew a sis is winging it.
Unhelpful thinking and analysing has been less effective over the years, as I always brace myself for bad, let down and telling myself I cant trust anyone. Whilst I can say that mental illness can prepare me better, help me be more aware, a girl is looking at the world like it is a science experiment. Fast forward to a question many therapists ask: "What do you want you to look like whilst moving on?"... lemme tell you i crumble.
I don't know what that looks like - I'm 93% introvert, prone to burn out often, sensitive, can't open up, look down a lot when talking to people, fiddle with my fingers a lot and feel sick a lot. The envision of Trina looks weird when I honestly did not think I would make it to 21 years old, but now to realise there are opportunities, love, life and memories is a mirage to me. It may sound weird to most, but I have to be honest, I don't know how to really live well, and all this self care, commercialisation of literally living confuses my head a lot.
In this generation, it is hard to just be so for right now? I will take it back to basics by just feelings - telling myself that I am Petrina; not perfect, confused, understanding myself outside of my trauma and just wanting to feel loved, be appreciated and appreciating myself. The journey to that I have no idea of, but I will work it out, because looking back, I can say I have worked it out.
I hope I can work some more of it out and live because I actually want to see what that can involve.