We are gathered here today to read another post (yay hey there!) to witness the marriage of us and our little self look into our present self.
Considering what’s going on right now, I think it would be fair to say that many of us feel trapped as of now. Not really having an escape unless you are doing your exercise a day or if in a support bubble, being able to interact with others. Whilst the present moment is teaching us to not take things for granted and to keep safe, it made me think about the little me who I’m still guarding and guiding.
Like us all, we are growing in age and experience and life, but to those who always feel their gut trying to speak out and feeling afraid to step into their own spotlight, we are thinking why. In recent days, I have been considering perhaps it’s due to me thinking about my younger self and how neglected she felt. I don’t mean neglected in shelter, food and clothing, but rather attention, innocence and individuality. Whilst living in London has been amazing, I can’t help but wonder even more that coming from an ethnic background and living in such a fast paced city made me speed so much, that now I’ve found the brakes, I’ve driven too far ahead.
Reading other peoples journeys and posts have made me realise I have genuinely lost so many years of things and now in a pandemic, I am terrified I could lose so much more. Yes I am alive, healthy and safe, but there are newborns who haven’t been able to see much, teenagers who are having to grow and learn through their laptops and mobiles and the elderly witnessing what could be some of their final years, copped up in a small room. As a result, we are all stagnant and watching the days go by in a way we would never have expected. To be quite frank, it’s really shitty and it made me think and feel quite strongly.
Nevertheless, I have been thinking about this panaromic and thought about many who have been used to shutting away a lot of past traumas or their younger selves, and now are open to them because they be living rent free in our minds smh. Although it’s been painful and I have been feeling lazy because it feels like that’s all I’ve been considering at times, I really needed to see a young Trina.
The same ambush, pain, isolation, exposing that many of us are being witness to, is the same emotions that I have now come to learn that I faced so much in my young and teenage years. I had to realise that she still needed some attention and comfort because it wasn’t her fault. Whatever I blame myself for now, it’s not her fault and even though so many years have gone by, and I am at the stage I am now to say it doesn’t mean I am not young at heart literally to hold my young self. In spite of this, I am still standing and if you are someone who has felt like you have been avoiding of anything and trying not to confront something, then please know you are still standing. To begin with, there are still violations you’ve realised you had, people who really treated you wrong, people you have to face on a daily, dealing with people and YOUR OWN MIND, and damn it is a lot. The way we have all buried deep things that are waiting to be fully discovered and processed is actually wild when you think about it, because when you think about how old you are, you realise the amount of minutes, hours and seconds you have had to experience life.
Therefore there’s gonna be home truths, shit days and really uncomfortable things to face and I’ve realised I have faced so much already. I kept going full speed like those things never happened and I would say it in passing, but it did. I told myself, black girls like me cannot dwell, I have to be strong, formidable and show that there’s nothing wrong... let’s just say it could have ended me. Consequently, I have hurt myself in ways imaginable, because I believed that I deserved all the harsh words, bad treatment and allowing people to walk over me. In that case, I am sure you may be thinking of specific things, however I mean the “little” things like congratulating myself, comforting myself and even giving myself the right TLC.
At this moment, I am trying to learn that the young me is a part of me and that it is okay to to let her in. As independent as I am, I can say that I need my space and I need to comfort myself just because - I have been through things and faced parts of my life, whereby the storyline has been H A R D. If you are the same, then tell yourself it has been hard and you have been in pain, that sometimes no one would know or understand. Not everyone is formidable and a lot of the time, we can’t just get back up and keep it moving.
Furthermore, sometimes we actually just have to face the music. An outcome for me when it comes to this, is me doing a timeline of my life until this point. It includes painful memories, sad events, and moments where I have realised that I have really been through it and me comparing it to those less fortunate doesn’t help. This dismissal of these events almost diminishes me of being human, having access to thoughts and emotions and subsequently making me a robot. Therefore, I am not going to let the society I am around do that to me any further; I am hurting some days, I am happy some days and I am learning some days.
I am experiencing life and it’s many roundabouts that it gives us. So whilst we can’t turn back time and do everything different, I can face it, and I really hope when the time comes, you will be able to face it. Your younger self grew into an individual who really does have something to offer. It’s okay to be nervous when thinking about doing it, but sometimes starting with nerves, can make you stronger with it in time.
I want to leave you with these lyrics in where the inspo for this post came to life today ... you really can be beautiful, wonderful anything you want to be, even in the circumstances we are in now. The Trina Testimony today is from Little Mix:
She lives in the shadow of a lonely girl
Voice so quiet you don't hear a word
Always talking but she can't be heard
You can see her there if you catch her eye
I know she's brave but it's trapped inside
Scared to talk but she don't know why
Talk a bit louder, be a bit prouder Tell her she's beautiful, wonderful Everything she doesn't see You gotta speak up, you got to shout out And know that right here, right now You can be beautiful, wonderful Anything you want to be
Stay Well and speak soon,