One of my favourite lyrics, especially in my post graduate life and facing reality, it is even more relatable right now, after a panini.
The first question you're asked in nursey or preschool is "What do you want to be when you're older, what is your dream". As three/four year olds, we could talk for days about dreams, everything to do with whatever we've read, watched or believed or be glued to our favourite shows and characters, wanting to be like them one day. If I'm honest, I don't really remember what my first dream or aspiration was, I just liked playing with toys and reading books.
Fast forward to be now at 23, I still could not tell you what I want to do or be later, and I do genuinely think it's from all the questions about it since I was able to speak. You have your own mind until the people around you state differently, they judge you for the decisions you have made for yourself and it creates questions. If I wanted to do one thing its "Are you sure you can do that?" to "I had this person I know do that and they were very successful and great at it". Unfortunately, I have been someone who has been judged, told they are not enough or has too little of something. Then as I am getting older, it starts to make me think like I have become a mystery to myself?
Why have I thought of myself as not enough? I tell myself that I should envision myself as something or someone, consequently from years of being picked apart by the aunties, so at my age I should know right? Wrong. I cry endlessly because I don't know, I don't have the answers and frankly, I don't want to have any answers of big great five year plan. As much as society can claim people are doing their own thing, which do not get me wrong they are, there's a lot of it that surrounds itself on plans, dreams, knowing and being. Take for instance, first date questions are "where do you see yourself in x years?" and in work "where do you want to be?"
I just want to get to a stage of being me. After so many years of having my identity warped, my reality distorted and my privacy and self violated in various ways, do I really need to know what I want to be? Every time I speak about something i enjoy and I can imagine many others feels this, is that when you're asked a question, you do think can I just say what I want to say? Does my life and choices have to be questioned all the time for my future? We say that more people are becoming reluctant and private, but do you blame them? All the aspects are constantly being questioned, that at times it is really hard to break free, especially when we are constantly hearing that life is running away from us, you gotta do it today today.
Sorry but I cannot live like that anymore, life isn't just something that I can complete because my brain sometimes tells me things, things happen everyday, and life can be gone at any point. Therefore I want to say it is OKAY to take your time. Life is not a marathon, and we do not need to complete things within a set time. We all may be in our 20s, but sometimes you go in so hard that you do not reach your goal or destination, which more time can really be painful. As much as society want to make our future drift away with housing prices, availability of mental health services and the hierarchies in workspaces and general inequality, it does not mean we are less than the standard. We are doing just fine breaking the blocks bit by bit, the change is already occurring.
Its okay to take a pause as life is beautiful the way it is for you currently at this stage, it is okay to not have a dream as you are fulfilling dreams you are not fully aware of.
Keep going, you're shining in your own light.
The song I am referring to is Paradise by BTS, please listen and search up the message and translation - it creates a viewpoint to life that lets you create your own dreams, the way you want to.