Hey lovely people! I would love to say there’s a reason for my absence, but as I will explain on here, there is and there isn’t.
I have long spoken about my issues and traumas I have faced in life, whilst maintaining some privacy and comfortability, but in this post I want to change that a little bit. I feel like I have called myself Trina Talks, but I may not talk as much or not be as open.
Admittedly, there are reasons as to why this is and there’s a lot of my journey that I don’t show or speak about - that’s because it’s hard and I am still dealing with those aspects.
(This next part is going to be explicit in language and expression so please if you are uncomfortable with honest thoughts about depression, impulsive thoughts, and more, please don’t continue)
My journey is hard because my emotions change quite often and are quite intense. I can feel a lot of things at once and feel numb at the same time, my sense of reality is warped at times and I struggle with my identity.
The good thing is that I know my behaviours and I really do try and manage my triggers. But I do apologise for it a lot - I know I usually need time away from people because of how volatile, emotional and quite stressful to be around because of my varied moods.
Those like me who have been mentally abused may face the same things but this can happen to anyone. We are afraid to be ourselves, because we struggle to see in ourselves our power. Whilst we may have glimpses of this, it is like the thoughts, the flashbacks and the negativity creep in in that right moment to tell us no. We can look at the reasons, the moments and the triggers of what sets of these feelings and emotions, but we say we deserve it, why is that? It’s because of the language I speak on myself - I tell myself, I don’t deserve good things in my life, instead of, I feel not okay and I need to reflect and make myself happier in my present.
My past and my healing clash in these moments because I am stuck on letting myself feel, acknowledge my feelings rather than letting it go, hiding it from others and telling myself that I don’t deserve happiness in this. As bad as this can sound incase anyone is experiencing this, we have to be careful in not pitying ourselves. I say this as when we start to say things negatively using “I am”, “I deserve this”, instead of “I hope to”, “I feel this way”, I will really try to”, it is making the negative and rumination succeed in hurting ourselves even more. I am doing this right now, which is why my head and mental state is the way it is as of this moment.
However, I am still here because I am telling myself I can take one day at a time, I should take time out to regulate my feelings, and exert them in the way I can without feeling too overwhelmed. For me personally, I know that talking to people in general is difficult because I am someone who wants to not disturb people’s emotional space and dump my feelings on them. I am not perfect and I guess I can look at this as my arch of healing in this area of my troubles.
These words are being typed after a longgg while of being harsh on myself, being in a dark place, suppressing so much and becoming dissociated in my reality. I am really working on myself and I have realised that the way it is turning out for me is not very linear at all. But dang do I want a happy ending for myself, I want to make it so I appreciate the me that stands today.
I am not okay I admit, and I am not perfect, but I am trying everyday by waking up.
Waking up is the biggest step and by doing that means I will get somewhere, and I know you will too.
we can do it, I love and appreciate you, just know that.
(P.S this became a random diary entry but I am not mad at it, it was still a honest extract into my life right now, sorry it was so sad)
Stay safe and if you read this far, don't forget that:
It is okay to put yourself first