Hello hello! Been a while ... yet again. I wanted my blog to be quite refreshing and uplifting which is why I’ve not really uploaded but, the main thing is I want it to be real. I’ve always struggled with the real me and the things I want to say and now in particular, the need to this has heightened. Consequently, these are real topics and real emotions I want to discover and discuss so as from the title I’m going to talk about this a little bit.
As bad as it may sound, I don’t think I grieved before a certain death happened to me. But then again, perhaps I am not someone who grieves in the “perceived” way of grieving to realise this. But what I do know is that grief and especially PTSD is very painful and I have discovered and been trying to navigate this since my late fathers passing. In fact, the irony is I’m talking about this two years on from one of the worst weeks of my life. Even now, I get angry at myself for feeling horrible and sad because I don’t know how my father would’ve felt in his last few days of living, considering it happened so suddenly. My fathers untimely passing was when I really realised people die. I know this fully sounds very weird and different as many may know I have suffered from suicidal thoughts too. But that moment of my father and everything that happened was when I realised if he did pass, I’m never ever going to see him again, and unfortunately that’s what happened.
The 19th June 2018 is when I guess I could say I discovered real grief for the first time. I didn’t understand the doctor doing a ten minute test in front of me, and waiting five minutes to see if my father could breathe on his own or otherwise he would deemed as “legally dead”. In that moment, there was NO WAY a doctor could tell me that two days of him being in intensive care and life support, when an hour before going to his house, I was telling him for his birthday that we weren’t staying in, but I was going to make him try Nandos for the first time. I’m brought up in a culture where my family members are religious and saying all will be well when all I wanted was for my dad to wake up and tell my psyche don't worry this isn’t happening. Nevertheless, whilst I am an empathetic and can feel things strongly and feel responsible for many things I am not in control of, when this life event happened and I had to process a magnitude of that.
The whole time I kept thinking the most graphic things, but due to my family and the culture, it wasn’t really like I could be open about it. On reflection, my mind was ringing, my heart was hurting and my stomach felt twisted because I did not know what to do and I didn’t have the support and the one person who could give it, couldn’t. I felt anger and regret for not helping more on that day, for not doing something for someone who gave birth to me and saving him. Although I had my amazing friends (who were there for me no doubt), but telling me God would fix it and that they couldnt imagine seeing me in that position was the first emotion I felt after hearing and seeing nothing - a void.
How dare you say such a thing and why? You wouldn’t want to see someome like that, wait in a hospital by yourself for four hours when you’re supposed to be in nandos eating chicken and talking about random things. It’s a time where I thought yes people say death is the only thing in life you’re certain will happen and I get it, however that’s not helping me right now and it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt any less. To be perfectly honest, there was a point where I wanted to join him because I couldn’t stand it - my best friend that God maybe had to take back bc he was needed when there was so much going to happen for him, even if he was older.
Months came and I was just jealous and empty, I could not even say the word father without being upset and crying. People celebrated Fathers Day and I was told that my father will probably not be able to wake up. Additionally, the spreading of rumours and bad mouthing me as a person, a daughter and again I say it, a human being from unrelated things like my weight to my personality because... the aunties and uncles love to do it. Moreover, all I was doing in my final year of university was dealing with losing my father, the African culture of rumours, talking very out of turn and reliving everything that happened that week. But I turned it out, maybe because I’m hoping my late fathers spirit did live on and he was there or whatever reason. There were and still are just random thoughts that I considered since 2018 as a result and I thought, these are not things to talk about otherwise, I don’t know what people would think of me. But again, I have come to think that this is all the embers that make up my unique mind.
Overall, even though there have been many passings in my family, my fathers one was where I just became at a standstill and was lost. It literally threw me out of nowhere and apart from my mental health, this was the first time I had been thrown off like that. Two years on and it still hurts and to be honest, going through the emotions would make this the longest blog post be, but especially as I am currently seeing so many fellow black individuals die and realising innocent, selfless people die no matter what they may have done, but go and never come back is very painful. That little subheading of feeling under grief is one I know everyone can feel, to see that for our colour of our skin all of this can happen and the change is useful, but there can be a part of you that’s sad because it’s going to take years to implement. To navigate grief, strength, stability in this time as a black female and thinking about the past in this time has been very difficult and it is another lesson of learning and processing the emotions and feelings. In this moment of time I’ll be honest, I feel a little numb, confused, sick and quite lonely. There are wonderful glimmers of shine that come through but the hurt really does like to hit that home run and very unprovoked due to the triggers that occur. I guess I’m writing this in hope that I’m not alone im some of this and it is a personal reminder to me that I have kept going despite of all the events. Currently I don’t know how everything in this world will pan out and it’s frightening, weird, reflective, optimistic, unity and so much more in emotion that I have gathered that many feel right now. So although some of the news I see right now hits too close to home, it does give me some warmth to see people standing together and letting the nastiness expose themselves, whether it is the far right people in the UK, the homophobic, transphobic, the racists and just the people with bad vibes. Something that I think I have come to learn that the feelings are valid and I shouldn’t be ashamed to admit it. The grief will happen for a while to come whether it is from the Black Lives Matter movement, to signing petitions of people who are on death row unlawfully, but that any progress is progress. Grief is not something that is clear cut, we just kmow that we experience it in many ways, ways that are deemed destructive, bad and different. Trina would tell you and myself that: let that be. Let it happen, because it is supposed to happen, but love yourself through it all because it was what YOU are feeling - no one else.
Now is a time where I am feeling all of this and so much more and whilst those individuals have and do suffer, it’s not a bad thing to admit that I am suffering too. To those who are feeling the same, I just hope that in time we can provess this better and rather than saying forget it and move on. Use this time take time, process, do whatever you need to elevate into something and someone greater. because we deserve to. Continue to keep betting on yourself, because through all the turmoil, we deserve to okay??? Ya hear?? Trina rooting for you and now is the time to root for yourself and everyone black from today, yesterday and the days after that.
See you soon readers x