No, I have NOT got COVID thank goodness, and by God's Grace I will not be catching it (pls continue to be safe), but I am starting to feel stale. I recently turned a new age, another trip around the sun, but genuinely, a part of me feels stale. Whether it's the fact that two years of life has gone by during a panini, me trying to heal and progress from many distressing events, or just trying to be a young person in this world, I am stumped.
It's weird because in this whole thing that is my "life", I have never really understood my life and what happens. It could just be a cognitive thing, a response, or just me trying to figure shit out but, whew a sis is lost. It sounds selfish and maybe materialistic, but now I want to enjoy my life because I was not able to enjoy it as a teenager, but there's also the fact your "20s flash by so quick", and all the rest of it. Because now, it feels like I have no idea on what to do - is this a quarter or mid life crisis already, because if it is, I hate it already.
Living in this day and age feels like for me that I want to be hiding in the shadows like I always have, but I want to practice boundaries and assertiveness, yet I really try and let myself be happier and not think bad of myself being happy, I want to live and go to concerts without it being postponed, I want to be free in my friendships, and let myself be free in this life. I don't really know what this feeling is, but what I do know is that I have had it since I was 12. This feeling was a recent finding of having myself, my life and everything in between stripped and seem so far away from my actual self. Consequently, the thought of getting that back and being in control of it, scares me. It's almost thinking "What am I without my trauma, without punishing myself, being hard on myself", and having to go through why I felt that for all these years.
I have always thought I am not real, just one random body with no branches, partly due to not knowing my family tree, but partly losing out on a lot of real consciousness from anxiety, dissociation and fear. So for 2022, can I shake this off just a tiny bit more? I have no idea - it felt as though the past couple of years I was so focused on the healing, the evolving, but not applying it to myself. I did not view myself as someone who can be more than her trauma, her life that has unfortunately taken some dark turns and possibly will do in the future.
However I do now think I should just let it be. My sensory overload is on overdrive and I cant let it consume me and my body. Therefore I will just let it be, but imma still do me too, because shit, I gotta put my apology to me in action.