• Trina

Field of Roses

I don't know how to best introduce this post, other than saying hey... yet again lol. This blog has been a struggle for me due to consistency, my mind and what I think could be relatable. Whilst I really told myself to get wrapped up with these things, it was inevitable that I would in some form. It's really rubbish that life can be feel like this for me.

My head has been a little bit of a mess in just wanting to be me. I have dealt with this for a long time in my life, and weirdly enough, as I am growing up and trying to take the steps to heal, it feels like I don't know what I'm doing. The narrative of myself and what I am about has felt like it has been written for me for 23 years, particularly as a black woman. You grow up and hear "you shouldn't play with this". "you need to be good", "please speak more", "why do you eat so much", "why are you wearing that for men to see?", "why do you not act like a lady" and "as a black girl, you need to prove yourself". All these statements have felt like I have had to be defined as a young woman, a young black woman, and a young woman living in London.

The constant push and pull of trying to be a certain way, act a certain way, and have comments on the person I am, has really taken a toll of me. I think culturally and mentally has created a battle in my mind and self to who I should be has rather caused my reclusiveness. I struggle to speak my mind, and I am always apologising for the things that make us most human. The fact that I have come to this realisation has also shook me a little but, because I know I want to change but with that comes confusion as to how this has happened, why I come to this point and fear of confronting those events and moments. I used rose in the title of this post, as I would want to consider myself as one - an individual with prickly bits as a result of trauma, fear, tiredness and confusion.

Whilst I don't want to change who I am because being a black Ghanaian woman is amazing, with people like me, we often get flashbacks and second guess every single action we do. I will speak, open up or share just an inkling, and my mind will run a thousand miles on what I have just said. I struggle with many social interactions, I like to keep myself to myself, listen to some good music, go to concerts, create blogs, eat good food and simp over individuals. Maybe that is my first step to realising who I am - in positive ways. That is what I want to do for this blog, I just want to type about things, my recovery, my thoughts and just me as a person.

That is what I am going to start to do. For I am my own type of rose, growing with beauty and shape everyday.

Change is a never ending story

Trina x

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